The Letter
by EmmaBerlin
Summary: I'm not expecting you to write back. What I wanna tell you is not aiming for a reply but rather for you to hear me out." Lisbon decides that it's best to write Jane a letter... After 2x03 Red Badge, now truly complete with an epilogue...
1. Chapter 1

**This story has been in progress for about a week, but since I usually only write while I'm in the train on my way to work and lucky enough to get a seat it took me a while :) Well, here it is and I hope you like it. The title is pretty self explanatory. Lisbon's words actually mean a lot to me.**

**Disclaimer: I wish… But still, none of this is mine… But hey, Christmas is only two months away!**

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Dear Jane,

I'm sitting in my monthly human resources class that the CBI is ordering all Senior Agents to take. As usual it's pretty boring and somewhat useless. Nobody's ever gonna be able to tell me how to handle you and prevent you from doing too much damage to the Bureau's reputation… Therefore, I decided to use the time I should be listening to write you instead.

I don't usually do that. Write letters. They take time to write and get to people and I just don't have the patience for that. Plus, you always have to wait ages to get a response. But right now I decided a letter would be best. It gives me time to think about what I wanna tell you and I can just give it to you or leave it on your couch. And I'm not expecting you to write back. What I wanna tell you is not aiming for a reply but rather for you to hear me out.

I had a really hard time those days with Carmen and the whole mess he created. Sure, I'm happy it's over but there is no way for me to forget easily. I now know that I didn't do it and when it all started I also knew. But while you guys were investigating I really truly believed. I was convinced that I would be able to do something like that. That I would be capable of committing murder. And I had never been so scared in my life. I felt like everything was going backwards, like everything I am and believe in was falling apart right in front of me and all I could do was watch. I lost all faith in myself and when I found out that everybody else, even my team and Minelli, came to consider the possibility that I was guilty I was slowly starting to lose faith in them as well.

But for some reason you never seemed to doubt my innocence. Or sanity for that matter. And the entire time I was wondering why you weren't. I'm still clueless. I didn't really give you reason to believe in me after all. Why did you?

I hate the feeling of not being able to help myself and being weak. Not only physically but also mentally. I like to be in control. Have to be.

What I said to Carmen while I was trying to make him spill wasn't just something I had made up to get him where we wanted him to be. I was actually telling the truth. Over the course of my life I have gathered so much anger and frustration in me that sometimes I feel like I'm gonna burst any second. I hate the feeling because I like to think that that's not me. But I fail to accept that it actually is. There are times when life scares me, when I scare myself. Times when I have no idea how to go on. But never throughout my life have I admitted to myself that I can't do it by myself anymore.

What you did for me during those days means the world to me. It shouldn't have surprised me to see you care so much, for some reason I know you do. I'm glad though that my mind was so mixed up that I let you do your mind tricks on me. I don't dare to imagine what would've happened if you hadn't been there.

The reason I'm telling you all this is that I want to thank you. And I'm doing it in a letter because I still don't trust myself enough to do it in person. I might end up stammering once I stand in front of you. I hardly ever say thank you. I'm sure you've noticed that over the time we've been working together. But this time I really feel that it's necessary. That if I don't I won't ever admit to myself that I would have been lost without you. And I would have been. So thank you. For all you've ever done for me but especially for assuring me that I would be ok.

I spent the night after Carmen's confession sitting on my living room couch with the most calming tea I could find in my kitchen cabinets and worked my way through the events in my head. When I was done with everything pertaining to the case and the investigation and figured that I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways I moved on to the past. Instead of digging out the few photos I have of my childhood though I relied on my mind to take me on a journey to the events locked within. I've always found doing that really exhausting and did that night, too. But for the first time in my life I think I made a positive decision regarding the impact my past has on my present. After quite a while I found myself admitting to myself and the nothingness around me that I'm close to being lost. That if I don't do anything about it I'm likely to get lost in everything some day and that that day is approaching fast. I fear that very soon I won't know what to do anymore. And the only way I see to save myself is to seek help. I know it's gonna be hard with all the events with Carmen stuck in my head but it's necessary. And I think you should know.

I'm scared, Jane. I really am. Because I don't know what it's gonna be like and how I will feel when everything that's been is being brought back to me. It's gonna be tough at times, most times. But this time I wanna pull through. I wanna be strong enough to make it through the time it takes and emerge stronger than I am now.

And for that I need you. This is me asking for help. After having written all this to you I feel ok with that but I need to make sure that you do, too. I need to know that you will be there for me during whatever may come. Please. I don't wanna feel lost anymore, I wanna fight. This letter is the first step and I know that there will be many more ahead of me.

But I'm relieved to know that you're around whenever I fear to break apart. And I'm glad that I can rely on you to pick me up again.

Thank you.

Teresa.

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**I'd love to know what you think! Partly because I just do and partly because I'm still debating on adding another chapter :) Hint, hint, hint... :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks a million to Jadestar 1981, NellietheItalian, mwalter1, sophacheer, celticgina, Vadergirl2006, chaviv86, Catchermustang, and lisbon69 for reviewing or adding my story! I loved to read what you thought of the first chapter! **

**Here comes chapter two. There will be a third one but it's taken me so long to figure out whether to have Jane give his response in a letter or in person that I had to write down the way he got there. That's also why the chapter is so short...**

**Disclaimer: Same as for the last chapter.**

**I hope you'll enjoy! Thank you for reading :)**

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_"Dear Teresa…"_

And nothing.

Jane checked his watch for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last hour and a half. He had been staring at the paper in front of him for the better part of that time trying to figure out what to write next. But so far he had come up empty.

He had found her letter in an envelope hidden underneath his lunch in the fridge. A very original spot to leave it by the way since nobody would ever touch his food. After having seen him devour unknown shapes and colors of food a few times they would be too scared of what they might find. That fact must have assured Lisbon to put it there and be sure that nobody would find it.

Three minutes later. Still - nothing. Jane was at a total loss of words.

The first thing he had done after he had found the letter was to run off looking for her. When he couldn't find her in the bullpen or her dark office he had figured she had left long before. Thinking about it now he realized that that had probably been a good thing. What he would have said to her in that moment he didn't know. Just like now, two days later, he still could't think of anything.

Two days had passed. Two days with the quiet understanding of leaving things unsaid. He had been totally taken aback by her works. By her honesty and her trust in him. Had she always trusted him like that? Sure, he had told her many times that he would be there for her, they had done a trust fall and several mind reading sessions, but all that had only been reluctantly accepted by her. Apparently, he didn't know her as well as he liked to think.

Back to the letter._ "When I found your letter, I…"_ Wow, what a progress. He started to wonder how long it would take him to finish this. His head was full of feelings and stuff that he wanted to tell her. But for some reason he didn't think he would be able to write them down, to put them into words and coherent sentences. Plus, he wasn't sure just how much she would wanna take in and accept. Still, he had to try because there was so much he wanted her to know.

He was about to give up on the letter when he saw her walking by the bullpen with a fresh and steaming cup of coffee in hand. About to push open the door to her office she stopped and turned towards him. He quickly put his Sudoku on top of the notepad on his lap and waited for some kind of reaction from her. When she smiled at him hesitantly and disappeared into her cubicle, he made a decision. She deserved to know what he felt like and that her letter had had a huge effect on him. He quickly debated just walking up to her and telling her directly, but soon thought better of it. He didn't trust himself to do that. He was afraid that what she wrote would come back to him threefold and he would not be able to get out one single word that would do her confessions and words of trust and thankfulness justice. He wanted to do this right. He wanted to think about his words clearly and carefully, wanted to find a way to tell her in the right way that he would be there for her no matter what. And he wanted to make sure that she indeed understood that his trust could not be broken.

But most importantly he also wanted to give her time. Time for herself before having to face him again.

Jane got up, grabbed his jacket and pen and paper and took off managing to slip by her office unseen. Once in the parking lot he quickly found his car, put the key into the ignition and made his way through the gate and eventually onto the highway. When he passed a flower shop he stopped to get some white and yellow daisies and put them on the passenger seat. It took him a good half hour to get through early afternoon traffic but then he finally arrived. Parking his Citroen in one of the many available spots he took pen, paper and flowers, got out and walked down the path lined by beautiful chestnut trees. Nobody else was there so he had all the quietness and peacefulness to himself.

He could see it from far away but even if he couldn't he would know where to go. He knew the way by heart and could walk it in his sleep.

Only fifty feet farther and he was there. He slowly knelt down to the weathered but still mighty gravestone, put down the flowers and remained still and motionless for a long time just staring at their names. After saying his own silent prayer he got up and looked around. It still felt weird being here but it always gave him a miraculous inner strength. And that was exactly what he needed right now.

He sat down in the shade of an oak leaning against its stem and facing the grave of his family merely few feet away. And he began to write.

_"Dear Teresa, this is the hardest letter I have ever had to write…"_

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**I always thought reviews were a great thing... :)**

**PS: Please excuse mistakes of any kind, English is my first language.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow, sorry this took so long, I guess life just got in the way... Well, it's here now :)**

**Thank you so much to everybody who reviewed or added the story to favorites and alerts! If I list your names now I might forget somebody so I better not :) I really appreciate every line you drop me though!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't...**

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Dear Teresa,

this is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. There's so much I want to tell you and in so many ways I don't know how.

When I read your letter I was stunned. I honestly felt like somebody was trying to pull away the floor from underneath me. They came close to being successful. I actually read it four times. After the third time I slowly began to realize what it must have taken you to write it. After having worked with you for so long I often take pride in telling myself that I know you amlost perfectly well, that I'm to no doubt able to read you. But you proved me wrong.

I had a hint of an idea that what you were saying was true while you were saying it. Still, your honesty took me by surprise. So, I first want to tell you that I highly respect you for being so honest with me. Mainly because I know that admitting to such things takes all you have. But I also want to thank you for having chosen me to be honest with. It really means a lot to me and I promise that your secrets will be kept well and safely in my heart.

You were right, I didn't doubt your innocence or believe your were insane for one single second. And I didn't care what the others said or did regarding the case or your internal confession that we all knew you were giving yourself. I believed in you and only you the whole time. And do you know why? Because never in my life have I met a more righteous person or anybody who is more concentrated on justice being done to others. Because you are the most selfless person that has ever entered my life.

I truly admire the strength and patience you posess to give everything you have and more to not only solve cases but give the families of the victims the closure they need to move on with their lives. Because that's what you live for. A person like this, like you, would never be capable of committing a murder. And I would have given my life if it would have helped to prove your innocence. Because the whole time I had in mind how devastating it would be if things had turned out differently. I never for one moment thought that you were guilty but at some point I feared that you were close to confessing to a crime you never committed. That would have turned my world around. Because it would have been another life I lost.

That night after the events with Carmen I thought about calling you a milion times and more. When you left the CBI and assured me that you were okay I knew that you really weren't. At first I felt bad for not pushing and begging you to talk to me. But after a bit I realized that when you were ready you would let me know. I'm surprised that you're doing so so soon but I'm relieved you are doing it at all.

One thing I've learned since I lost my family is that if one doesn't come forward with their own worries and thoughts they're most likely going to fall apart. I never took you for a person that trusts psychology. You're way to realistic and practical for that. I used to be the same way, back in the days when I made a living fooling people and screwing around with their feelings. It's hard for me to admit that it took what it did for me to realize that but it's true. One day I woke up and knew that was it. Nothing would change or get better in any way if I didn't seek guidance.

You said that for the first time in your life you're about to ask for professional help. Deep down I suspect that it's one of very few times too you ask for help at all. Maybe even the first. I've been down that road before and if you're ok with it I would like to let you in on what it was like for me. It was the hardest fight I have ever had to survive.

It's gonna be a long road. It's gonna be bumpy and full of bends and foggy. There is no way of saying what you will pass on the way and what you might run into. You'll delve into feelings and emotions that are totally unknown to you at the moment and it'll take everything you have to work your way through them. Most of the times it'll be a dark walk down memory lane with some but few sunny spots and you'll find that you'll give all your strength to wade through the valleys as fast as possible to get up on the hill again and catch the sun. Beause it will be what keeps you going.

You will meet many people on the way. Some of them you had long forgotten about and never realized how much influence they had on your life. Others you recognize because they are or used to be important parts of your life.

At some points you will notice that you're close to losing your strength entirely. You will feel that what you believed in might fall apart and that will make you think that that shatters your world and turns it upside down. You will also experience the contrast though. You will get to points where you're more motivated than ever before and one hundred percent optimistic that everything will get better and be entirely fine eventually. And it will. Not tomorrow or next week or month, but there will be a day somewhere in the future when you will realize that things are actually a lot better, maybe even good or great but at least ok.

There is one think you will need during your walk. One thing to keep you from spiralling out of control, to catch you if you fall and to pick you up when you've broken apart. You will need a travel companion. Someone to walk with you all the way, no matter if you're moving or resting. Someone to keep you going, be there for you when you've had enough and to cheer you on during your last steps towards the finish line.

I would like to be your travel companion. If you let me. I dont want to pressure you because I know you're not one to share your thoughts and fears and worries. But I would be honored to walk with you on your journey. If you choose to go by yourself I will not try to change your mind because you will have given it lots of thought. Instead I will wish you the best of luck and save travels. You know me, I'll still wonder very loudly sometimes how it's going. But if you decide you want company on the road I promise to be there for you all the way until the end, no matter where it might take you.

I know you can do it, you can do anything you want.

Stay save, Teresa.

Patrick

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**A/N: I'm planning on leaving it here unless you have other plans :) Thank you for reading! And even more for reviewing... :)**


	4. Epilogue

**This is about 2 months late. I'm really sorry but honestly don't feel sooo bad because the story had the status completed already anyways :)**

**This was written listening to "No envy, no fear" by Joshua Radin and "Until the sun sets" by Zach Berkman. I thought those were a great inspiration. The lyrics are from the song "Can't Stop" by Mozella. So, not mine :) As well as the characters, show etc.**

**A huge Thank You to reviewing so far! This should definitely be the last chapter. Enjoy!**

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At 1:08 am Lisbon found herself sitting in her car parked in the lot in front of the CBI building. It was quiet and she was by herself. That was something she was used to in her life, being by herself and having the space she needed to breath and not feel crushed by everything surrounding her. But tonight seemed different. The feeling she had was new and she had to admit that she was uncomfortable with it. Not just slightly, she actually was freaked out to say the least.

So much had happened over the last two weeks and the events with Carmen were just the first step towards where her heart now was. It had been days since she had received Jane's letter. Days during which she had made sure to stay away from any more or less private conversation and moments alone with him. Those days in turn had let to spending several nights lying awake in her bed or alternatively on her living room couch rolling around all kinds of thoughts in her head. Night after night she would contemplate her actions but always come up empty by morning. That would result in another day of avoiding him. It had become a vicious circle.

So at 1:08 am that night Lisbon was sitting in the CBI parking lot staring up at the few lights that were still on in the building. Two of them marked the fourth floor squad room of another division, one the storage area she suspected the cleaning crew to be finishing up in and the last one pointed out their bullpen. The floor on which she had expected to find her very own consultant dozing on the worn out leather couch in the corner of the room. Because where else would he be, right?

But all the few words she had come up with on her way into the building and up the stairs had died in her head when she had entered the bullpen to find it emtpy. Just like the kitchen and hallway in front of the men's room. She had spent about ten minutes sitting on the bench in front of it waiting for him to emerge. But he never did. In fact, he seemed to have had left. On her way out her concerns had been confirmed by Chris, the security guard. According to him, Jane had taken off in his car about an hour and a half ago. And no, he had not told Chris where he had been off to.

No Jane on the couch, no Citroen in the parking lot. That was new.

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Jane had spent the better part of the evening - and now also night - parked in front of her appartment building. While he had been waiting for her all kinds of different thoughts had crossed his mind. They had ranged from 'What's with the bump in the car next to the garbage can?' to 'Why doesn't Lisbon have a proper door with deadbolts instead of just a glass screen covered with a curtain?'. But eventually he always came back to the one thing nagging at his thoughts: Where was she? He knew she had left before him and he was pretty sure that she didn't have any plans tonight. After all it was Thursday and for all he knew she should have gone home to dinner and TV. But then again, they hadn't talked in days, so what did he know really?

Those days had been awkward. They had tiptoed around each other each of them waiting for the other one to make the first step not daring themselves to make a move. That had been something that Jane was not used to and he was sure that Lisbon felt the same. No matter how weird or stressful or unpleasant situations had been in the past, they had always been able to at least talk to each other and make everything right again. And it's not like they were ignoring one another. They still looked at each other and even smiled. But they both knew that something had to be done soon.

That's how after nights of staring at the ceiling and days of wandering around not being able to concentrate he had ended up at her appartment building tonight. And with every minute she didn't show up he could feel his pent-up courage dissipating. Apparently, tonight just wouldn't be the night. He had chosen the wrong moment. Feeling defeated and strangely hungry he turned the key in the ignition and left his parking spot.

No Lisbon on her couch, no SUV in the parking lot. That was new.

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'Maybe not tonight,' Lisbon thought as she steered her car out onto the road contemplating whether she really wanted yet another sleepless night to wait for her. She knew she didn't, she dreaded it, but she had no idea what else to do. She had expected him to be on his couch as always. It was odd. Why tonight? It had taken her so long to gather her courage and if she didn't get to talk to him tonight she would have to do it all over again. For a second time she would have to talk herself into being ready to talk about it one more time. But where else could she look for him? She had never been to his house and had no idea how to get there. Plus, she really didn't think that that's where he would be. Calling him definitely wasn't an option, this did not rate appropriate for a conversation on the phone. That left her with one possibility: going home.

Stopping at a red light, Lisbon started fumbling with the radio. Why was it that in this part of the city the reception was always awful? And why did she always get stuck at this intersection on her way home? It was like a curse. Quickly becoming tired of the cracking and sizzling noises the radio was delivering she switched to CD. She hadn't checked the CD player in weeks and had no idea what song would start to play.

_Speak to me, read my mind.  
Fill your mouth with flesh and wine.  
And I'll be yours, just give me time..._

_I'm loosing sleep over you  
And I don't know what I've got myself into.  
You just have something that I need.  
I can't put my finger on it,  
You can't put yours on me..._

His car. There it was, sitting a hundred feet away from her in the parking lot of Frank and Jerry's Diner off Capitol Avenue. It had to be his. Or wasn't it? Being pulled from her thoughts by the driver behind her and their incessant honking she had to make a quick decision and had no time to weigh her options. Now or never. She took a right and pulled in next to his Citroen.

_Cause you have everything I could ever want.  
You have everything I could ever want.  
You speak to my soul like you've known it before..._

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When Lisbon pulled the door open and entered the diner she stepped into a cold glow of pink and blue that the flourescent lights in the windows cast on the interior. To her left she saw a man seated at the counter with toast, scrambled eggs and a newspaper in front of him. He probably belonged to the truck outside. From one of the booths behind him she could hear the laughter and talking of four or five teenagers probably sharing a late dinner/early breakfast after a night out. Man, how she missed those nights... Looking over to her right she found Jane sitting slumped over a cup of some steaming hot liquid picking at leftover French Toast in front of him. He had chosen one of the dimly lit booths in the back and although he was facing her he didn't notice her entering. She approached the counter and leaned in towards the only waitress working that night kindly asking her for a coffee. Sticking her hands in her pants pockets, she tentatively walked towards him and the smell of coffee.

"No tea tonight?"

He looked up surprised to see her. She nodded towards his cup still with her hands in her pockets and said "You're having coffee and it looks like it doesn't even have milk with it."

While Jane had stopped chewing on his toast he looked at her with confused eyes. It was obvious he was rather surprised to see her standing right in front of him. While he was still puzzled about how she could have found him in exactly this out of all about thirty diners in the city she gestured at the seat opposite of where he was sitting. "May I?" He slowly came out of his daze, shook his head to be able to think clearly again and nodded. "Uh, sure... Do you want a coffee or something?" "I already asked for one", she said tilting her head towards the counter. As if on cue the waitress showed up bringing a mug and full pot of freshly brewed coffee. Lisbon nodded thank you as the girl left the pot sitting on the table and left the two of them to themselves.

As Lisbon carefully added milk and slowly stirred the now chocolate brown beverage in front of her she hesitantly stole glances at the man sitting opposite her. He seemed nervous and she wondered whether he had been fighting the same demons she had over the last days.

"I thought I'd find you on your couch tonight but you weren't there."

For some reason he didn't dare to look up at her. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep." "Sounds familiar", she muttered lost in the swirl her spoon was creating in her coffee cup.

An unintended silence settled between them. Unintended and awkward. Unintended because both knew why they were here, together, and that there was something that they should be talking about. Awkward because silences just were something that they weren't comfortable with yet. At least not when it was between the two of them.

Lisbon finally was the first to feel the need to say something. "I got your letter."

_Man, what a stupid statement, _she scolded herself right after having uttered it. _Of course he knew that, otherwise he'd probably be a bit more confused as to why she had been tip-toeing around him for the better part of the last week. _Another silence followed, filled be only the laughter of the teenagers on the other end of the diner.

"Look, Lisbon-" "Listen, Jane-", they started simultaneously. They glanced at each other with words that could have filled entire dictionaries of a newly invented language. But even though in just that instant of a second they had conveyed every meaning of every word they wanted to say to each other they still felt the need to express their thoughts in spoken words.

"You first", Lisbon said never taking her eyes off his. They were tired and worn out but she could see his dire need to speak in them.

Jane took a deep and mind-clearing breath and willed all his courage back. Why was it so hard to tell her what he felt and what he actually had already put in writing days earlier?

"I wasn't sure how you would feel about my letter and I still don't know but I needed you to know. I needed you to understand and realize that you won't be alone in this and that whatever you decide on you will not be by yourself. I'm not sure if that came across the way I wanted it to because, honestly, I was a bit at a loss of words when I wrote the letter. As much as I had been when reading yours actually."

He paused to quickly look outside into the night before meeting her gaze. She still hadn't taken her eyes off his. That wasn't exactly useful to his non-existent bravery to keep talking. Oh, what the hell...

"Lisbon, what I need you to know is that-"

"I'd be relieved."

He stopped in mid-sentence sending her a stunned look. "You what?"

She pushed her coffee cup to her right away from her and focussed completely on him. She'd never seen this blank expression on his face before. Scary, but kind of nice actually.

"I would be relieved to take you with me. On my journey, I mean. Because I'm scared to travel by myself. That much hasn't changed since I wrote that letter. But the fear has dissipated over the past days now that I can be sure that I don't have to be in this alone."

She watched him sink bank in his seat with an even more stunned expression on his face than before she had dived into her very own and very personal confession for a second time in only a few weeks. At first the sight in front of her scared her because for a split second she wasn't sure if maybe he had actually planned on taking back what he had offered in his letter to her. But when his face changed and a sigh hinted towards his real thoughts she immediately relaxed.

She slowly leaned forward and hesitantly took his left hand in both of hers. Looking at it as though feeling the need to examine every square millimeter of skin she could find on it she continued, now herself being the one not daring to talk to him face to face.

"Patrick, you offering me to help and be there for me when I will most need it and beyond was the most loving and nice thing anyone has ever done for me. And the bravest for that matter. I honestly hope you realize that..."

She shyly let her eyes wander up to meet his again and in them she found what she had missed over the past years of her life. She saw complete and utter sympathy and understanding. She lost herself in them like they were the midnight sky she had loved to look up at in awe when she was a kid. Pure with peace and stillness and radiating comfort for her soul and heart. That's what she saw in Jane's eyes. And that's also what she had found he carried within himself.

She couldn't bring herself to say anything else. Noticing her state Jane decided to take over and help her out.

"Teresa, no matter what we will come across, there is nothing that could keep me away from you. I know what it feels like to walk that road and I would be a crappy friend if I didn't offer at least a bit of support. I wanna do more than that though. I wanna be with you every step of the way because you mean so much more to me than the words in my letter could get across. You're special and extraordinary and special and extraordinary people deserve special and extraordinary treatment. So, I'm just giving you what you deserve, nothing less."

Searching her brain for words and willing her mouth to say them, all Lisbon could come up with was a simple "Thank you". But those two words were filled with so much more meaning and feeling that nothing else was needed as Jane slowly put his right hand on top of her hers and smiled.

"Always."

_Cause you have everything I could ever want.  
You have everything I could ever want.  
You speak to my soul like you've known it before..._

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**As always, I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts :) Thank you!**


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